So,
I did my first ever photo shoot last Friday.
Boy was I terrified.
I have been interested in the idea of modeling ever since I was about 15 when someone asked me if I was a model. And since then I have had people either continue to ask if I model or tell me to try out modelling.
But I have never had the courage to go for it, until now.
Now, I have huge body image issues. Okay maybe not huge, but I used to. When I was 12 I suffered from an eating disorder and I've never been comfortable with my body.
I always shy away from cameras. I'm the friend in the group who never really wants to take many photos, while my friends will be happy to pose on the beach infront of a camera. I run away because I feel scared and awkward. I don't want to see a photo of myself looking ugly at the beach.
But recently I realized that maybe, just maybe, being in front of the camera might just help me to learn to love my body, love myself again.
And you know what, i think it did.
I got some really nice photos, which I was surprised by because I was so nervous and stiff, the photographer must be really talented considering how scared I was. I don't know how she got any natural looking photos out of me, I was honestly as stiff as a mannequin haha!
Now that I've gotten past the hurdle of doing my first ever photoshoot, I'm actually excited at the idea of maybe doing another one in the future.
This has given me the courage to try modelling without being afraid of what the camera might pick up - awkward or not.
I want to reach a point where I'm not nervous and shy infront of the camera. To a point where I'm not terrified of looking like an idiot, to a point where I can laugh at the awkward funny photos (which there are always loads of).
At the moment, im not going to lie, I cringed at all the awkward photos from the photo shoot. And I know I need to learn to be happy with who I am, not with who I could pretend to be in front of a camera. I need to be happy with the real, non posing me, to be happy with the pictures of me moving between poses with an awkward expression on my face.
Because those awkward expressions added together are what make me, me.
And I want to love me, not part of me, all of me.
I'll keep you posted as to whether I do more photo shoots :) xx
