I'm too scared to reveal my true self to anyone.
Sometimes I don't know who I even am.
I want though, so desperately, to be able to share my deepest fears with my friends and one day with a partner, but I'm too afraid to.
Whenever a conversation starts to become too deep, I steer away and change to a light hearted subject.
I laugh and smile, it instantly throws people off.
How could I be so terrified and unhappy with a smile like that?
I think I'm mostly scared of being rejected, and I think part of that might be due to childhood trauma.
Atleast I am aware of the problem, I just don't know how to go about resolving it.
Recently I tried opening up more and a close friend of mine was really supportive. It helped so much.
I think a part of me is also scared of letting people see me as 'weak' (even though I fully know that being vulnerable is in no way weak, but in my mind the two are so intertwined and I don’t know how to detangle them apart) they are so used to seeing me happy and smiling, how would they even react to seeing me as a real, vulnerable human being.
So for now, I do what I always do, I disappear for a while, I don't contact friends or anyone. And I try to deal with what I'm going through alone.
Once I feel better I contact my friends again. We make plans. I smile. I laugh. They never knew the pain I was in.
Part of what goes through my mind is, what if they reject me? What if the aren't supportive? What if they simply don't listen? What if they can't handle me like this? I mean, in their defence they've only ever seen me happy.
Even when I have tried to be vulnerable with my friends I have a nervous laugh, which always covers up the severity of the situation.
Often times I play down the severity of the situation.
None of my friends know that I've tried to take my own life twice. I never told them when I was getting that bad.
But, at least I have realised this and I plan to start trying to be more real with everyone. Even if it means being terrifyingly vulnerable, even if it means being heartbroken and being rejected. It's better to be real and rejected than fake and accepted.
I can't live a life based on a happy illusion, in which I only communicate with people when I'm happy.
Another part of me doesn't want to burden my friends or bring them down.
Ironically though I would never ever want any of my friends to go through something horrible alone. I'm always there for my friends as best as I can be, supporting them through their trials and tribulations. Through thick and thin.
But I never allow them to see the thick.. or the thin? ( which is supposed to represent the hard times?? )
Who am I to bring my friends down simply because I feel down? Yet I let them bring me down when they need me to listen.
I always let my friends tell me when something is bothering them, and I'm fine with them dampening my mood because I know that a real relationship is made up of more than smiles and giggles.
Yet I still can't bring myself to show them me in an upset, scared or desperate state.
Even though I know what I know.
I hype up the sound of my voice sometimes to hide the pain. I don't want them seeing the pain.
I don't want them to hear the quiver in my voice, so I hide it.
I don't want to see the pity in their eyes, but at the same time I do.
I want someone so desperately to care that I'm hurt.
It sounds silly I know.
This is something I really need to work on.